February 2, 2017

Dear President Trump,

Dear President Trump,

Happy Groundhog Day. Happy Groundhog Day. I trust you’ve seen that movie? I trust you’ve seen that movie?

It must be so exciting to be the leader of the Free World. Nothing is repeated, everything is brand new every day. And if you do happen to get bored, why, you’re the President! You can go on national TV any time you wish, mock Sen. Schumer for having emotions (how dare he prove his humanity!), grab a groundhog by its…. um, yeah. Let’s not go there.

And let’s not forget all those press conferences where Giuliani brown-noses himself into oblivion. That was a real treat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a grown man bend over backward on TV before. It’s fantastic, really, just fabulous, that nothing is ever enough for you. You have the biggest ego – it’s true! Anyone who says differently is clearly fake news. – but you don’t let that stop you from feeding your ego more and more every day. Just fantastic.

In fact, you’ve accomplished so very much in office already that one might say you’ve crammed four years of work into less than two weeks. Why, I bet you could abdicate your throne today and it would be smooth sailing for the next 1447 days. You’d much rather be firing people on reality TV anyway, right?

Sincerely,

JG

February 1, 2017

Dear President Trump,

You’re not the first person to come up with the idea of building a big, beautiful wall. In the 21st century B.C.E., Shulgi and Shu-Sin built a wall to protect the Sumerians from the Amorites. It stretched for about 100 miles in what is now modern-day Iraq. Unfortunately, it didn’t really work. Cause, you know, people could just walk around it. But hey, kudos to them for trying. (I know all this because I just read it on The History Channel website. Because facts. Yay, facts.)

I have no doubt that your big, beautiful wall will be far more bigly and yuge and tremendous and all those other superlatives you enjoy using because your vocabulary loved the fourth grade so much it decided to stay there. At least, I hope the wall will be bigly. We need protection from those dangerous avocados. Have you SEEN what one of those things looks like all mashed up? Yuck.

Sincerely,

JG

January 31, 2017

Dear President Trump,

(Okay. Writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.)

Dear White House Intern,

(Much better.)

I suspect that millions of us Americans spent a lot of time banging our heads against the nearest vertical surface during this past election. Those of us who still have a few brain cells to rub together would like you to know something: You’re not fooling us. Americans are smarter than you give us credit for. You are going to be the most scrutinized President in U.S. history. And you’re going to be remembered as the wannabe dictator who failed to destroy our democracy. Stew on that for a while.

Alright. That’s all for now. Have fun in your fantasy world. I hear “Finding Dory” is good. Much more riveting than, say, intelligence briefings.

Sincerely,

JG

January 29, 2017

Dear President Trump,

You have promised to be a President for all Americans, but your actions tell a different story. America’s strength lies in its diversity, but your actions are divisive and your rhetoric is inflammatory. You have promised that it will be “America First,” but isolating the states from the rest of the world only serves to weaken our country and alienate our allies.

I know that you’ll never read this note and that on the off-chance that you actually do read it, you’ll assume that I’m either a fake person or that my words are actually praise rather than criticism. So I’m not sure why I’m bothering to tell you how much you’re scaring the hell out of Americans like myself who actually still believe in the true American values of inclusiveness and democracy. I suppose it’s just therapy for me, since the thought of a mentally unstable person in the Oval Office leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Sincerely,

JG

Suburban, pro-choice, non-theistic, bleeding heart liberal American who fervently wishes the President would bother to pick up an actual history book once in a while to become better acquainted with this little thing called “reality.”